Pickup

A lariat. That's what I needed, but this rope was simply not long enough and the car was sinking fast. Also I am not entirely sure about the tying procedures for a lariat. Or is the proper term lasso? And what of the town of Laramie? Does it have any connection to saving a drowning car with a shot of rope? Knowing I did not have my Hodgman brand waders with me I felt the best thing to do was attempt a rescue from the shore. Perhaps I could fashion a hook of some kind using a stick or a length of pipe but there was nothing useful within arms reach so instead I am standing at the edge of the lake with a awkward sort of gait, watching the last four inches of roof descend into the abyss. "Welp" I said, faking a southern accent, as I walked back to my pickup, "Sorry missy, looks like yer car's dun pickled."

Weapons

The Bible is the only object you can hit someone with and it's OK.

*SMACK* "No wait! Don't worry, it's okay! I used a bible."

Somehow it's for their own good...